For my practicum this trimester, we had to spend some time reflecting/praying on what is most beautiful/glorious about our souls, most sinful/depraved in our souls, and how that will affect our ministry and ability to relate to people. This is my paper:
My time at Mars Hill has been a time of discovery. It has not been discovery in the sense of coming upon something new or unknown. Rather, it has been a time of becoming more conscious of things I already knew, but perhaps could not recognize clearly or formulate properly. This has been my experience in preparing for this paper.
As I went through my prayer time, I found it considerably easier to focus my time and attention on the sinful and depraved parts of my soul than to pinpoint that which is beautiful and glorious within me. I am finding that there is a vast disconnect between how I see myself and how others experience me.
I believe God has given me the ability to listen well and extend grace to people in all walks of life. It is a desire of mine to consistently meet people where they are, to love and accept them no matter their circumstances. I have a genuine interest in people’s lives, and I hope that is apparent as I engage them in meaningful ways.
This desire to be loving and accepting is so indelibly written in my heart, I think, because I yearn for these things for myself. My constant pursuit of love and acceptance, in some respects, has become my greatest downfall. It has generated within me a tremendous amount of insecurity in intimate relationships. The ways in which I am able to give grace are greatly limited by how hard it is for me to receive grace.
As I determine the ways in which these aspects of my soul affect my ministry, I am drawn back to the word “vulnerability.” If I cannot hold the tension of security and vulnerability in relationship, how can I expect others to do the same for me?
Wow. That is crazy, and awesome. I think I would be able to point out the most disgusting things about myself but I would have a difficult time pinpointing what I thought was beautiful and glorious about myself. That’s a tough sounding paper.
Comment by adam — 3.November @ 6.07 pm
Adam – it totally is a tough paper. Only one page, but you have to say alot in one page. That is CRAZY. But it is a good experience. And like you, I had very little trouble naming the sinful/depraved parts, and spent much time trying to figure out the good things. I get the sense from people here that they experienced that as well. Kind of sad, really.
Comment by thisside1984 — 3.November @ 7.22 pm
I think it comes from a fear of seeming self-righteous. I know that I don’t want to appear arrogant or prideful in the least for fear of rejection and condemnation. That produces a fear to celebrate things about ourselves I think.
Comment by adam — 3.November @ 8.05 pm
Very Cool blog my daughter
Comment by Greg — 13.November @ 12.13 am